There are so many kinds of grief. And so many events that cause it. We (the "universal" we) have to honor the grief along with the event that caused it. And then grieve for the grief. For example, a friend is still grieving after the break up of a serious relationship. It has been six months, and she is still devastated. It is hard to watch, but her grief resonates with me. The *event* may be different, but the feelings of loss are there. I remember my dad's grief over the loss of his beloved cat. It was real grief. They were companions.
Grief is a complicated ritual. It spawns emotions, spiralling off like Chinese firecrackers, that without examination, seem unrelated to grief. Ummm, emotions like frustration, anger, short-temper...
Today, my own grief is exacerbated by the estate process and the middle man goons that are between me and closure. Am I rushing too fast toward this end? I've been asking myself because I am an impatient person. I think fast, work fast, with a high degree of accuracy. My expectations extend to all those around me. I know this is unfair. However, I've always been frustrated by the idea of the Middle Man. (This is what led me away from Catholicism, and ultimately away from Christianity.) Were I without them, I could be working up a storm right now, on top of the situation, aware of the various statuses of my dad's estate. There are too many middle men in this process for me, and I want to fire them. It seems they are forgetting that they are working for ME. I AM the client. Sending self-deprecating emails (like Hi, Sorry, I'm new at this...) has not elicited the response I'd hoped. It didn't help. So I sent emails with my pointed questions; they've clammed up. Why? Just answer my questions; they are organized and reasonable. Admittedly, I am more easily angered than usual, more sensitive, and so I jump to: I'm paying you to do this work, and you have the answers. DAMMIT DAMMIT you fools! It doesn't help that me and the Middle Men are 1500 miles apart. My being a control freak is not serving me well in the grief process.
It's been three months since my father's death, and the things accomplished have been by my own hand: the funeral arrangements, the ceremony, creating the estate bank accounts, bookkeeping, record keeping, the gravestone, cleaning his house and preparing it for sale. These things have been done, completed. The things I cannot do? Undone. Uncommunicated. Why?
I'm afraid if I lighten up, deadlines will pass, stuff will get mangled, and my father's estate will become a complicated mess. It shouldn't be complicated. 50% 50% split between me and my sister. Basta. Cosi. Finito. MAKE IT SO Middle Man. You're not the one who's lost both parents in three years. You're not the one who's so sad that it feels like each day walks through wet cement. You're not the one who's had to sift through cherished belongings and give them away, or design a gravestone, or arrange the funeral.
WTF?
I don't think my intense personality is helping my grief process. I can't relax knowing so much is unknown, that my father's legacy is in someone else's hands. And that these hands may be idle creates such a swirling, gripping anxiety in my that I am angry. At the Middle Men. Reminds me of when I was forced to go to Confession as a kid, forced to go to pre-marital counseling given by a celibate, never-married priest....AH....lightbulb moment! I have some inner work to do. And I'm off.
About Me
- Catherine
- In this blog I have created a haven, a place I allow my deepest emotions to go and sit. I can write easily about what I’ve accomplished. This biography I can recite in my sleep. But I’ve always written poetry and in diaries since I was a teenager. I continued to write poetry in my journals, and not until 2006 did I show them to anyone. I generally write every day, at the present in memoir form. I haven’t written poetry since my mother died in January, 2007. I didn’t write at all between her death and the death of my father three years later in January, 2010. On my father’s birthday in March, 2010, I began this blog, to honor my father and to help me grieve. But I also desperately needed to write, and this stream of conscious style emerged. I needed to find my organic voice.
They are dragging their feet because every day they hold on to the assets, the asses are making more money $$.
ReplyDeleteYou may want to consult with an accountant or an attorney - or at least threaten them with one. It should not be taking so long.
Hang in there - I have only walked part of your path, and can't imagine the frustration - which only rubs salt in your wounds.
....the "I've never done this before" - come on!
I hope the mist of the Middle Men clears soon.
Hang in there ♥
Okay, the "I've never done this before" is totally lame, but it is true. I've been told by many people that I am not "soft" enough with people, so I have tried to couch my needs, my complaints, etc. in a cushion of self-deprecation to "soften" my approach. Admittedly, this is really not me.
ReplyDeleteI've got to contact my attorney. That should help. I've been meaning to do just that, but then I have to admit that I cannot complete this on my own...and I hate that! Grrr.
Thanks for the support. <3