Yesterday I was in a wash of tears, mourning, uable to clear my sinuses, unable to eat more than Gardettos and Natural Ginger Ale. What got me there...I try to go back and reconstruct or reconstitute my schedule to see where things went awry. It happened somewhere between getting coffee ad Barnes and Noble and the ride back to the house. I began feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things that we feel need to be done at my father's house before the end of the summer, before I'm back to work and cannot get time. My head was swirling with so many details, I just got teary. K dropped me at the house, and he had another errand to run. Once I got into the house, however, tears became weeping, and then full -bodied wailing. Weeping because I didn't know what to do. What to focus on, all alone. My sister is out of the picture. I wrote her a letter, asking her why she doesn't keep in touch, if she understands that I am doing all I can from so far away. That I love her even though she has character flaws--as do we all--and I asked her to think about what a "good sister" is, since she didn't think I was one. I know I'm the best sister I can be from 1500 miles away. I'm willing to share my feelings, listen to hers, and help when ever I could. I feel catty, when I admit she doesn't send me or my husband birthday cards, christmas cards, or sometimes presents. We send the kids cards once a week to say we love them and miss them. we post pictures of ourselves on my sister's FB page so the kids can see us. I am taking care of the entire estate in all its paperwork, bank accounts, repairs, lawn service, garbage service...this list goes on.
I seem to be capable of all these things, but it takes away from my grieving process. My grieving must be put aside while I am in conference calls with various investors, the cps, the attorney...it's all dollar amounts, account numbers...I have to keep it together by not screaming "It's my dad's money and he's dead! Can we get this down now, so I don't have to keep dredging this up --it's preventing me from healing.
Tonight was nice. I got a little dressed up (itty bitty) and wore my favorite rose quartz necklace, which promotes love. All of our friends were there cheering him on, and he revelled in it. He deserved to feel this lighthearted and free. They are lovely friends that made his birthday special. I tried to rest my neck as much as I could, but bopped along to the music. Karl had a lot of well played solos, and we were all there to hear them. Nice. We're posting pictures on facebook.
So a beautiful evening rose from the ashes of the day. I expect more days like this one. WEll, now I have practice. Good night.
About Me
- Catherine
- In this blog I have created a haven, a place I allow my deepest emotions to go and sit. I can write easily about what I’ve accomplished. This biography I can recite in my sleep. But I’ve always written poetry and in diaries since I was a teenager. I continued to write poetry in my journals, and not until 2006 did I show them to anyone. I generally write every day, at the present in memoir form. I haven’t written poetry since my mother died in January, 2007. I didn’t write at all between her death and the death of my father three years later in January, 2010. On my father’s birthday in March, 2010, I began this blog, to honor my father and to help me grieve. But I also desperately needed to write, and this stream of conscious style emerged. I needed to find my organic voice.
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