Venturing Home

I've spent time thinking about what my trip to Connecticut might feel like. This one is entirely for pleasure: to see dear friends, and my sister, brother in law, and sweet niece and nephew. This is the first trip there for fun in almost ten years. I think back to when my mom was sick, in and out of the hospital--I'd fly back from the midwest in an emergency situation. Several emergency situations. Upon my dad's diagnosis, (just months after my mother's death), I spent a semester at my father's , teaching online. And the trips after have all been grief-inspired. Time has passed.....................healing has begun. And yet I find my self a little uneasy about this fun trip. No trip to my hometown will ever be uncomplicated. A stop at the cemetery with flowers. Moments of memories fly by. Sometimes I've spoken out loud to my parents, and others, not.

I'm nervous, too, about visiting my sister and family. We have dealt with our grief very differently, and I'll see the kids, now, too--how they're doing, are they talking about Poppi and sometimes Mimi? I know I'll be emotional seeing the kids--I love them as if they were my own. I wish I could more, be more, for them.  I want to hear all about school, their friends, and then maybe play with their most current toys, or games. There will be some tv involved (with lots of energetic explanation!)  Crying is generally frowned upon at their house, but I won't curb my tears--that 's how I've gotten through all of this--feeling my emotions and letting them take over now and then. It's painful but I think it has helped me. I know I"ll be glad I took time at the cemetery.

After this visit I'll be heading west to Torrington to my dear friend M's house. During the rest of the week, we will go about the days meeting a friend for brunch, welcoming another friend into town, and yet...I have no expectations. It feels good to operate this way. I have no expectations about what it'll be like at my sister's either. It will be as it is, so no use trying to make it some way or another. I love the people I'm visiting so it's all good!

And it is ALWAYS good to get out of Minnesota in February, early March.  

The time will be short; just over a week.  My husband will be staying home to work... And this trip I cannot fit in visit my aunt, whom I dearly love. I'll have to arrange a trip when the weather is better.  Maybe going home now, under these circumstances, will bring some joy back into this trip, so for the future, an new sense of optimism and excitement comes with me. I know I will drive down our former street, drive by my late father's house, slowly, almost wishing I could knock on the door and she what he's 'done with the place,' but that's even weird for me.

I am looking forward to expressing my happiness and love, giving lots of hugs and kisses in gratitude and greeting, and giving in to my inner child so I can play how the kids play.