Pain Management: Body, Mind, Spirit

Ah, one step forward, three steps back... in my war with grief this is so. I am really trying to embrace it, let it flow from heart to head and back, circulate through my blood,  emanate from my skin like a scent. We reject each other, Grief and I.   I think our dance is over, and then it's not. You know, I kind of imagine a paso doble of sorts, one stalking the other, but in this case I am stalking Grief, almost pleading "take me over, take me over" so that I become engulfed and that Grief and I will become one, at least for a time. Grief is the one holding the red cape, and it deftly denies me as I rush full speed toward the cape. My allegory is a bit off, for those purists who know the paso doble, but I think the point's made.  

These grief bursts...I hate them. They hit me when I least expect them, and they are powerful. They can last anywhere from a hour to several days. I cannot control them. I've been staying in, a lot, to avoid any public grief bursts. Yoga class is okay, because I know the teacher and the class has the same people every week. There's a safety net built in to a class that focuses on opening joints, extending the body, and concentrating on breathing. I have cried in yoga class.

This week is accumulating a lot of stuff. House inspection finding nothing wrong (!), raising price on house, contemplating tree work, four hours, now five, of conference calls with financial planner and investments, signing, faxing, writing checks on the estate account. In addition to the pain body that's out of control, this other stuff is just a big boil ready to burst. So it did. Poetic it's not.  Feeling like this keeps me in the house. When the mind has pain and the body has pain and the heart has pain I am incapacitated. All of me is in pain. Where's the OFF switch?

I am tired of finding things on television that remind me of my father. Can they play the movie "RUDY" any more times in a row? In addition to the title being my father's name, it was also a favorite movie of his.  How many Mustangs will I see driving around my town. How many ads will I see for Carnival Cruise Lines--our last two family 'vacations of a lifetime'.  I feel pain when I see these things. It hurts. 

Something else that is bugging me is that people who are seeing me know comment on how "great I look." Yes, i've lost quite a bit of weight, but I wasn't in the market to lose it, and how I lost it was because I couldn't ( and still can't , really) eat. As if looking good tells the world I'm O.K. Even my friends comment.  What do I tell them? Thanks, I guess, but I've lost weight because I haven't really been able to eat much since my father died in January. 

Well, tomorrow I visit the Neck and Back clinic in our area.  I hope they can address the constant pain first and the other, less severe stuff later. I've made copious notes so I'm prepared. The appointment is at 8am. That's hideous. I hope I can hobble to the car. It's a very stiff and sore part of the day.  The thing I'm the most concerned about is my neck and shoulders. I am discouraged by the fibromyalgia diagnosis but it does make sense.  I remember my father being sad that I had so much pain for someone so young, but then he gave me a hard time when I travelled with my superduper heating pad, traction machine, ice packs, and prescriptions. I can only imagine his level of pain especially with the tumors. We had nights on the couch each with our heating pads and ice packs. 

Lots of activity on the estate over the past few days have thrown me into a grief burst. Supposed to be business like, organized, got-it-together kind of girl...but i am not that way now. At least for now. I trust that I'll swing back at some point. But while I'm not that girl, I am not comfortable around my friends. I feel so consumed by the business of death that i have a hard time concentrating on other things. I had to ask a friend what felt like the fifth time when she was leaving on her vacation. And then I found some courtesy to ask her what she's doing who she'll be seeing, and when she'll be back. These niceties never come easy to me ,but they are all but evaporated from my current mind.  It seems like no one feels like they can talk to me about what's going on in my life, but I am equally uncomfortable bringing it up to them.  I may be wrong about them, and that my reaching out skills SUCK. 

Rita has put some pictures in the mail to me....I am looking forward to them. I know they will bring pain, as everything does, but I will have something joyful of my mother's, kept for so long by her dear friend. God, I am so lucky.

I will just keep at it, opening my arms wider to embrace Grief, to try and catch it so it doesn't elude me. Part of my journey must include this walk with Grief, this Odyssey, begun in January of this year. There's still more to come. But for tonight I'm down for the count.  Night-Night.